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Look for it as for Silver

Telling my story is something that has made my heart race for 8 years now.  I left in 2003, at 23 years old.  My husband and I had been dating and pioneering since high school.  We married at 19 and after a year, transferred to a local Spanish congregation to try and do more.  I was SO in it.

I grew up in it.  My dad was an Elder since I was like 6.  Mom pioneered when she could.  My little sister and I were home schooled.  Mom networked with other jdub families so we had this little home school circle we did stuff with.  Dad being an elder and owning his own aviation business and mom homeschooling us set us apart in our little 80 publisher congregation in southwest michigan.  Plus we had a pool and horses.  Dad totally made us aware of his responsibility to run his family in accordance with jehovah's standards.  One of my earliest memories is going to a door with my dad at like 4 and the woman saying no.  I was raised to choose a career that would help me serve jehovah full time.  I worked for Dad doing drafting.  I was really smart and very good at art.  After I graduated I got a part time job drafting and pioneered.  I moved out because my family is crazy and I was determined to make it myself. I had a blast with all of my 'brothers' and 'sisters'.  Life was fun.

Of course I was married less than a year later.   Of course we had been doing it since we were 16.  I was horny!  Growing up I remember thinking that it wasn't fair that everyone we talked to at the door had a chance at everlasting life even after getting to experience life how ever THEY believed.  They could live out every fantasy and at some point hear the message and be moved to join Jehovah's people.  I was raised in it.  If I ever left my family wouldn't talk to me and if Armageddon came I would be killed because I was one of the ones that knew better.  Even if I was living a life of a (not jw) saint!  Supposedly good people at Armageddon are allowed to live if they never got the chance to see the 'Truth'.  But if you had known the truth and left, being a good person didn't matter.

I was tore up as a married woman.  Every few months I would have breakdowns and cry to my husband about how we wouldn't make it if Armageddon came anyway because we had fornicated before we got married and had lied to the elders so that we could still have them marry us.  So finally we told.  after 3 yrs.  The elder we told was an ass about it but oh well.  According to him we would have been df'ed if he hadn't pulled some strings or something.  My husband was a MS but after that they had him step down.  We were allowed to continue pioneering.  But I had already begun to see the full picture, even though I was YEARS away from understanding it at all.

When your whole life is submersed in a belief system it can be very hard to find the reasons why it's not good and you need to leave.  Conflicting information is never presented.  In fact your told to avoid it at all costs.  So I struggled to find a tangible reason why I could leave.  It took a while for my observations to find the trend I was looking for.

At a circuit assembly I finally heard the words I was looking for.  Our CO was up giving one of the main parts of the day.  He was talking about what it is like 'in the world' and began describing what the 'world' does to people.  Have you ever seen little wads of gum under stadium chairs?  They used to be bright blue, green,  red.  Now they are all wrinkly and Grey.  We clean all those off before conventions.  One time he saw a big jug of all the gum they had collected.  It was disgusting.  But that's what the world does to people.  Chews them up and spits them out after sucking all of their flavor out.

Now, I had recently gotten a part time job at the local art center.  I had really been thinking for the last year.  I knew in my heart that what he was saying was not ALWAYS true.  sure, that happens to some people.  I felt like I had watched that happen to my mom over the last 2 years (one family tragedy after another left her majorly depressed).  She was in "the truth".  But I knew I was seeing beauty in this world around me.

So i came back to the hotel with my husband and told him I was leaving.  The religion, not him.  Even though I knew that was next.  "Why?" he lamented to me  "What do you want to do that you can't do as a JW?" "Ummm...smoke?" I replied.  It was on the to-do list.  We tried over the next few months.  Rather, he tried to read the bible out loud every night.  I would lay for an hr then 'take the puppy for a midnight walk' for 2 hrs. and talk to people I had met on the internet.

Finally I left after he said that he was getting rid of the internet.  I wasn't on any apostate sites.  I was a gamer with a mac and had found people from all over the world to play games with.  So I crashed on an old high school buddies couch for a few weeks before my parents convinced me to live with them for a while.  I got df'ed because my parents convinced me to go to a committee meeting and they asked me if I believed that the jw's were god's acting organization on earth and I had to say that I didn't really know.  My mom would cry to me to go back to my wonderful husband.  She told me how I would never find someone to love me the way he did.  Eventually they made me move out after I obviously had a boyfriend.

I was really alone.  My dog may have saved my life at that point.  I didn't know what I believed.  I felt like I had lost my identity.  I loved my friends so much.  and I had tons of them.  Now I had no one.  A boyfriend that really frustrated me.  Fortunately I had a fun job at the art center still and I used my depression to channel creativity.  I've thought often how thankful I am for having art.  Things slowly got better.

Then I met the most awesome loving man you could imagine.  And he showed me a love that blew anything I had known in the truth out of the water.  He loved everyone.  No strings attached.  People that do that are rare indeed.  But you definitely won't find them in the truth.

And I read 'the chalice and the blade' by riane eisler and I found my faith again.  Now we are about to pop out baby #2 at home.  Here's a little video about us...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9c1e8laUrgA

I still hold dear teachings like caring for your neighbor and reaching out.  They did have some good ideas, those jdubs...  In fact, my husband and I still go door to door to promote the classes.  It's surreal.

Well, I didn't need tequila, but I did make some cinnamon rolls while I wrote this..

Peace and Love Brothers and Sisters.

Laura

Credit for honesty:) What makes leaving JWs difficult for some is that their doctrine is for the most part solid and unique. When you consider that Jehovah is a way incorrect name for YHWH ,that they were sneaky major shareholders in a firm that was contracted to provide US military ships with engines, that while you may have slept with your boyfriend for a few years before you were married the WTBTS were sleeping with the UN for ten years and only came clean after they were exposed by the Guardian, that they failed to deal adequatley with paedophiles  and disfellowshipped any of the victims who went to the secular authorities etc... etc... etc... you suddenly realise the organisation is not what it first appears. All the best with the new baby and it's nice to hear you've found peace.

Fox

After chatting with you so many times, I feel bad that I just now got to read your story.

 

I really had no idea what you had been through to get where you are. I'm glad you're mostly happy now, and I hope things only get even better for you and your family.

The real truth will stand up to any scrutiny.

Finding unconditional friends is not as rare as you might think. People in the real world can be much more accepting and amazing than we ever gave them credit for as JW's. It certainly depends on the circles of people you hang out with but if you find like-minded people, they are so much better than any JW, conditional friend.

 

Welcome ...

 

Jezebel

Silvergirl: Your on the right track now. May I suggest reading Ray Franz books "In search of Christian freedom" and " crisis of conscience". It will help you to cope more than you will know. Kojack57

wow what a story. sorry it was so hard to get out but that's great you found a good man now.